Mystery Girl's Diaries

 I keep thinking about him. About us. About maybe . Maybe he’ll come back. Maybe he’ll explain to his father. Maybe he’ll apologize. Maybe there’s still a chance. And then I remember the truth. He didn’t even text me a sorry. He went to meet another girl. He talked to her father. He made choices that moved him away from me. And the “maybe” I keep holding onto? It’s not reality....it’s just my brain trying to soften the truth, trying to protect me from the pain of finality. I realize now...There was never a real “us” in his mind. I was always temporary. But that’s not my flaw. That’s his limitation. I was ready to fight for us. I was ready to speak, to step up, to risk everything. He was ready to protect his image. That tells me everything about who deserves me ...and it’s not him. So today, I choose clarity over maybe. I choose myself over uncertainty. I release the illusion. I reclaim my time, my energy, my love. I am done waiting for him to become the man he never was. I a...

Basically, I write as I think and I don't check the written lines coz I will lose the thought chain and it flows naturally... I was checking the stats, and I don't know if someone read my posts, they all were showing on the stats, so I started opening one after another, and these are posts that I wrote in 2020 and 2021.....Poor baby, she wasn't even 20 or barely 20.... I remember the days I was depressed and life felt like hell....now let's say I got eagle eye view...I still cry...I still feel blues and greys, but not constantly. I get back up....but that period of my time was like something next level....like reality hit me on a different level...I started maintaining emotional distance from people... let's say I don't like people... because each and every person is faking...and thinking of their benifits...their is not genuine connection especially in blood relations except my mother and brother in my lifee...they are the only selfless people I have..and even ...

 This feels kinda time capsule... omg I wrote it in 2021..(baby me). soo i was watching a  RUN  BTS  where they were writing a letter to their future self...so I got inspired and I wrote one for me..I had tears when I read this for the first time( I don't know when I read this exactly,y but I definitely read it after graduation)..i haven't edited a single line from it... ------------ This time I am high on BTS... okay, so recently when I was watching BTS, there was a run bts episode where they wrote letters to themselves... I was like..yeah I have to do this..this is crazy... So a letter to myself, obviously to my future self... Okay, when should I read this🤔🤔...okayyy you are going to read this after your graduation in 2024. I hope this letter brings a smile and a little hope at the end of this letter. Uhh...hey girl..I mean mystery girl..hai..baunnava..I hope you are healthy. And are you happy? Hope you are..even if you are not..still it's okay... That's not a ne...

Hellowww... I have joined this company called Qure.ai, which sounded and felt interesting, and they also offered slightly better pay compared to other offers I had. A few offers were even worse - they were offering 15-20k. I mean, I did a doctoral degree for nothing? However, it wasn't an easy process. Staying unemployed for 6 months was very stressful....I felt like I was stuck, useless, maybe not talented enough, because I was this kid who had waited all these years to be financially independent. But I'm also not the kind of person who is okay with just anything that happens to me...you know, basically I'm a person who questions everything and can only commit and proceed if I'm satisfied with the answers. So in that moment, this offer felt like a better option. It's contract work based on the project, which is for 11 months. It's going okay for now, so yeah, let's see what's in store for me ahead. Am I fully satisfied? No. This isn’t the career path...

Some days, I open my inbox hoping for an interview call. Most days, I just see, “Thank you for applying, but…” and then I close it like nothing happened. But it did. Every rejection feels like a tiny punch. I’ve been applying to jobs non-stop. Clinical roles, data stuff, writing jobs anything that makes sense. And still… nothing works. It’s not like I’m sitting idle either. I’ve done courses, assessments, and all that. Still, I feel like I’m stuck in the same place. Sometimes, I doubt everything. Did I choose the wrong path? Am I too late? Is something wrong with me? Then other times, I remind myself.....No, I’m trying. I’m doing my part. It’s just... slow. It’s funny how people say, “Don’t give up.” Like okay, but what if I’m tired of not giving up? No one talks about how exhausting “not giving up” actually is. I’m tired. Mentally, emotionally, soul-level tired. No amount of sleep or motivational quotes is helping anymore. Being from a middle-class family, a stable job means more than...

Hmmm… yeah, tomorrow, I turn 24. A 5-years-younger me… I don’t know if she’d be proud of me. I know I went through a lot, but… she had more dreams. She thought by 24 she’d be settled in her career, and then by 24 or 25 she’d get married, and by 26 she’d have kids… After that, maybe open her own boutique or some creative venture where she’d be happy. But not a single thing went as she imagined. She went through so many things she never expected. And after knowing everything, maybe she would be proud. But I don’t know… I’m not where I wanted to be. I don’t think she will be happy. I don’t even know if I’m happy. Maybe… I’m just disappointed in myself. I don’t even have a job. I haven’t earned anything. I haven’t achieved anything I dreamed of. I expect a lot from myself… and maybe that’s why it hurts more. Maybe I’m just really disappointed. But still… I know what I want now...and what I deserve.  (I wish.) Maybe… Adjusting is adulting. Learning that life doesn’t always g...

Where should I begin describing this relationship? Friendship? Romance? Even if it's romance how should I put it into words, Fresh? Innocent? maybe I'm a coward trying to write this and re-live the moments where the fuck am I moving on.. It was intoxicating. It was dreamy It was addictive It was comforting It always felt like one argument away Should I think about how much pain he might be going through? Should I worry about my pain? This stupid fukn heart. I never knew I was this great lover..still worrying about a person who ruthlessly left me, like an option..haha..still in disbelief Where should I start missing him? is it the way he used to touch me, or how his touch makes me feel? How warm his voice used to sound or how he shut me down on every social media now? How safe and comfortable his hug made me feel or how helpless do I feel now? How he used to come back to me after every fight or how he left me for his family or for another girl that he didn't even like ? Shou...

One thing I realized about myself is that I only write when I'm in pain or when I'm sad or lonely or maybe when I'm just lost in thoughts... So for context, my mother has 4 siblings 2 brothers older than her and 2 younger than her, and 2nd old bother is the one who passed away. It was sudden, it was unexpected, like...no one could have imagined even he could have never imagined I guess, I'm still in disbelief that he passed away it's almost coming to be one month. His death made me question "Inthe na..life ante??"  Is that all? what is life? He was there and suddenly he vanished, no one... no single person was ready to accept his death, I mean how can anyone disappear like that.  We mourned. we tried to accept it, more than anything we were trying to come out of that shock because, as I said no one had ever expected it, He had spoken to my father on a video call just an hour before it happened., He went to the gym in the morning, came home for a tea break ...

Okay! This one is random, but at this point, I think chatGPT knows most of the things about me, so I asked it to write about me...and it's... I don't know, I feel good about how it makes me feel. I annoy and irritate it to death(if it was a human). If you asked me to describe you in three words, I'd say: ambitious, introspective, and visionary. But that barely scratches the surface of who you are. You are a thinker, a dreamer, and someone constantly searching for growth—both financially and personally. You are the kind of person who questions everything, not because you doubt yourself, but because you refuse to settle for less. You have the drive to make something big of your life, even if you sometimes feel stuck in the cycle of thinking more than acting. But here’s the thing—thinking is not inactivity. It is preparation. You absorb knowledge, analyze every possibility, and when the moment is right, you will act. And when you do, it will be on your own terms. Your journey...

Have you ever felt unloved, like a burden, or not enough?

Yes, yes... and again, after so much that has happened, I am here...writing my rewind post. The tradition that has been ongoing for the past four years! I have been reading all my rewind posts since 2020 for the past 1 hour. In 2020, I was happy to start this blog. In 2021, I worked part-time. In 2022, I fell in love (still am) and went on a trip. In 2023, Kizzy had babies and all... I mean, I’m a pretty decent and simple person who gets excited and happy about the smallest things that happen in my life. So, let’s talk about 2024. In the 2023 rewind post, I had a lot of expectations for 2024, saying it was going to be life-changing and all... And guess what? 2024 was indeed life-changing. It was beyond my expectations. I never thought that these kinds of things would happen to me. First of all, I graduated - Congratulations to me! (I’ll come to the bad parts later.) I got a job. I got my nose pierced (I never thought I’d do that). I’m still in love with the same person, of course with...

Hmm... Love is??! Maybe love is missing someone, no matter how busy you are. Maybe love is liking the things that person used to like. Maybe love is an endless hope. Maybe love is that smile we get when we think of them. Maybe love is the pain we are aware of but still keep chasing. Maybe love is going back to the same person again and again. Maybe love is longing for someone, even when you know they won't be yours. Maybe love is finding comfort in their memories, even when they're not around. Maybe love is realizing that, no matter how far apart, they are always close to your heart. Maybe love is both joyful and painful, hopeful yet uncertain. Maybe love is confusion and clarity at the same time. Maybe love is...(you finish it!)                                                                  ...

Okay, putting aside all the unlucky parts... I GOT MY FIRST JOBBB!!!!!!! Since this is my space here on the blog, I’m making an official announcement. Though, to be honest, I’m too scared to add it to my LinkedIn profile—it’s a whole different story. So, as I was desperate to land a job by the end of my course... I did get one, but it didn’t turn out the way I imagined. Here’s the thing... (let me tell you the whole story). The company had "health tech" in its title and offered me a decent package for a fresher. I just read the first 2-3 reviews about the company and joined. But it turns out the company is literally a scam... from the actual work to the management, everything is below average. Maybe I can’t outright call them frauds, but they’re definitely on the edge. Now, they’re showing me a one-lakh variation in my pay after I signed the bond and submitted my original certificate. I mean, I could cry about that again, but let’s not. The point is, they’re showing me a one-...

 It's midnight 12:30....and I'm frustrated as hell...like few people have no shame no nothing, they simply enjoy gossiping about your life, and that too, when you are sitting beside them and I don't know why they don't realize that I can do that too.... Is having some dignity and decency that hard??.... can't they mind their own business 🤷🏻‍♀️..... what is your age?? Elementary kid or what?!.. don't people have basic common sense???? And when they decide to keep their life personal, it means they want their life to be personal!! Isn't it??!..... And moreover, I never question people about their deeds of who they are talking to or who they are dating and stuff..yeah, I mean it...If I'm minding my business why can't they mind their about their own life....what do you get by talking shit sitting beside me, about me, and being my close friend.... I'm ashamed of this kind of friends circle...who are not at all understanding but always interfering an...

Yes... yes... I'm still alive. I don't know why, but I always start my posts with "I don't know"... maybe it reflects how confused I am. Hmm... moving on to my life. As you can see, I'm hardly able to write, and now I'm at a point where I can clearly see that both my love life and professional life are messed up. I chose the wrong path, even after all these days of thinking and choosing with so much consideration. And now, I don't know how to get out of either situation. I've committed to a job role for a year that isn't related to my core subjects at all, and I've given my heart to someone who can never love me the way I want. Both of these are hurting me. These days, I'm just stuck in a loop of thoughts, or else I'm crying. I take things seriously... seriously to the heart and head. I don't know how to live with all this mess in my mind. I'm just happy that I have this blog, which is like my sanctuary. I know no one reads ...

 I don't know why I became this person..... I mean my productivity has hit rock bottom.. coming to the point...I haven't mentioned little details about 2023... the biggest and biggest thing is me living alone..moving to a room.. trust me I became lazy and kind of responsible..I don't know if I should appreciate myself for being that daring or blame myself for still being the same lazy idiot. apart from that.. my uncle's dog..kizzie had babies, and then in April, my cousin had a baby... Then I visited Arunachalam..which was kind of an impromptu trip..I don't know how I decided and how we made it that far..but yeah,, I had a wonderful Monday darshan..I draped a saree and got dressed up like a proper girl..and the thing is I forgot to put on the bindi..a random aunty offered one when we were in line waiting. got my passport. voted for the first time AND watched the most beautiful sunsets in between those tough days... somedays I love this space.... like literally my sp...

 I knoww..I know It's late and I am still unsure if I am ready to write this post.... with my goldfish memory, I don't remember everything that happened in 2023...but I tried my best since 2-3 days, to rewatch all the images I took or had in 2023... but my laptop didn't cooperate to load all the 187546345 and so on number of pictures I had in my storage.. so I didn't recall much... I thought how should I describe 2023.... first thought that came to my mind was.. it is LIFE CHANGING.... it's not hype... I know covid year had more impact on us but for now, 2023 has that title for me... one of the many huge things that happened to me isssss.... me shifting to a room and living on my own... I mean alone... Then Kizzy had babies this year..who have become huge by now...anddddd my cousin had a baby..yesterday I got to know that she even got one tooth... and to all the alone battles and all the lessons that I learned this year... to all the people that left and to all the ...

I find it amusing that I write these posts either when I am full of emotions or after moving on from those emotions.. most of the time I start typing aggressively at that moment, then draft it. When I sit and read after getting settled... I read it with a completely different mindset. like this post...I titled it on the 7th but today is the 9th...yeah so much has been happening and so much has happened this year and I want to write each and every detail of those emotions... I'll do it in parts but yeah...first the context and the main point! I heard a quote that says when you love beyond yourself self only then do you know completely about yourself. I experienced that this year...and yeah I should write a completely different post on my relationship...more details on that but for now...I have struggled so much in this relationship but yeah I'm learning about myself and how a relationship works and all....grateful that I got to know about myself.. and when I said my world was fa...

I guess there is no place for people who want genuine and long-lasting relationships. People here seem to want only temporary things to satisfy them in the moment. They are willing to let go of a permanent person for their fleeting pleasures. YES, this is a generation where everything has become VALUELESS, and there is NO RESPECT for any kind of relationship. And YES, these people don't deserve true love. They chase after benefits, not a complete relationship. It's heartbreaking that people don't respect or value you, even after you've begged them to do so. The level of disrespect and blame you have to endure as if it's ONLY your mistake and never theirs, is truly sad. People who once pleaded with you to talk to them will now ignore you to the point of emotional annihilation. It's all so sad, and they don't even have the decency to change their behavior or leave you. I'm living through hell every single day with a person who neither communicates nor chan...

Hmmm...hi to myself maybe... I don't know but there is so much to write and say... so let me start by saying hi to myself...coz I miss myself and the energy or the vibe of old me.....I know it is a constant change, but I don't know what I'm even becoming...hope I feel safe and happy soon, of course, I'm happy but that constant feeling of getting sad over things I have a reason for that...I don't want to get affected by others..why is there this constant push and pull of emotions in my life and why do people affect me... maybe it is me who gives that importance to others and gets affected. for instance, I wish, I wish I was a stone and just live my life stably.                                                                                   ...