lost and found

These past months have felt like one of those zig-zag graphs...chaotic, messy, unpredictable… but slowly trending upward. For the first time in a long time, I actually feel like I’m rising.

September was the absolute worst. Emotionally, I was on the ground… maybe even below it.

But now, after more than seven therapy sessions, something shifted. Last Saturday, my therapist looked at me and said she was proud of me...and she meant it. She was smiling at the way I was talking, and honestly… I felt it too. I feel happy from the inside these days. Sometimes I catch myself wondering if I’m even allowed to feel this way. But then I remind myself: I deserve it.

Back in college, people used to say I never depended on anyone, that I always did things on my own. I was that girl. I was always… me. Somewhere along the way, I lost that version, but now it feels like a lost-and-found moment.

And my blog...oh god, this blog...helped me more than anything. Whenever I open it, some old post reminds me of who I am. That was the whole point of this space. And it worked.

Throughout this whole phase, I wanted one thing. I even told my therapist:

I didn’t want to become someone else just because he couldn’t love me or choose me.

I didn’t want to turn cold or bitter or numb.

I wanted to stay soft. Stay kind. Stay hopeful.

Because that’s who I am. I believe in love. I’ve seen it. I’ve read it. And I believe in my own capacity to be better...to grow in my career, to build a life I’m proud of.

Honestly, even I didn’t know I was this strong. But I came out of this beautifully. People around me see it. I see it. I can finally feel my own smile again....the real one. The past three years were hell, but this part feels like light.

I’m just scared of losing this version of myself in the coming months. I hope life continues to feel like this. I hope I stay aligned with who I’m becoming.

I don’t know what healed me more...me or my therapist...but life is getting better. And I hope I become the strong person I always imagined. I hope I inspire someone, even in a small way, to stay soft, stay kind, and stay themselves.

And yeah…I love me. Truly.

I learned it the hard way, but I did.

                                                                                                                       -  Mystery Girl