Worst and Best days

Yes, I’m back with another trauma dump… actually, let’s not use that kind of negative stuff even if that’s true, for the sake of energy and vibes (is what I keep telling myself).

I bought a watch for myself, I got a haircut in a salon, and I've joined a dance class. I bought clothes for myself, and I don't know if I should say I'm broken from the inside or building from the inside. Let's say in October I was breaking/broken, but since November I started building.

So yesterday night I was crying, literally sobbing at 1-2 am, and wasn’t able to sleep because my mom gave me an ultimatum to choose between a master’s and marriage.

Then the actual fears started popping up in the midnight… I don’t know how many people will process their thoughts like me… but almost all the time, when I’m suffering with anything or struggling with anything, I have clarity and answers about why it’s happening the way it’s happening to me, and I even know the answers most of the time… I just want reassurance and people to back me.

And you know I’m a greedy person ...I want all. I want everything kind of person…

I’m shamelessly admitting that I want both marriage and a master’s in the best possible way, and I don’t know if I’m ready for both of them, and that too, not because I’m incapable or anything, just because I’m scared of what happened to me since childhood and what has happened to me since childhood.

When it comes to marriage, I have had and still have a hard time trusting people, and I never believed in marriage because the worst examples were my own parents… I never wanted marriage because of them.

And for master’s… I don’t want to fight for life again, and I don’t want to be a financial burden to my family again. It will be a 50L+ loan… and obviously I’m unsure about money, and I’m scared… I’ve already wasted 6 years of my life in a stupid degree… of course, anyone in my place will be stressed… and if someone weaker, after the childhood trauma, friendship betrayals, and relationship betrayals, and this kind of career stress, anyone can be depressed… if I’m being honest… I’m strong, and yeah, I’m kind of messy. I cry, and I struggle, and somehow I find my ground sooner or later, and I survive… some days I feel like I’m on the edge, but somehow I end up surviving and yeah…

I don’t want to make any decision. I didn’t call my mom since then… because I have a tendency to say all the real things… what if I say that I might end up like her? It’s worse, but that’s the realest truth of my life… and what if I go abroad and cannot survive there… 50L?… I mean, this is life, anything can happen, it’s unpredictable, and we never know what if I end up with the best person through arranged marriage and doing a master’s too? Because I’m a hopeless romantic who still believes in miracles and is still hopeful after everything that life has thrown at me?

                                                                                                                        -Mystery Girl