Trying to Hold Myself Together

I don’t even know if I should be writing this.

Yeah, he was my best friend for 5 years.

We were in a relationship for 3.

We even worked at the same place for the past few months.

But yeah… he left me. like an option. just like that.

He’s getting married next month. the girl his family chose.
And I’m here, trying to hold myself together.
I’m not crying because he left, I just don’t get why I’m still grieving for someone who walked away so easily. Someone who didn’t even try to fight for me.

Some days I feel free. like, okay, maybe this is what peace feels like.
And some days I feel like I’m walking backward.
No matter what I do, he keeps coming into my head.
It’s just hell sometimes.

I joined therapy. took 4 sessions so far.
don’t know if it’s really helping, but at least it makes me feel accountable. I always wanted to go for therapy. My company gave free access to a therapist/ Therapy app, so yeah, that’s how I started.

But I’m just tired. tired of fighting for every damn thing in life.
I just want to feel safe, chosen, and loved.
for once.

I don’t know why it has to be this hard.
why it always comes down to money?
why it always comes down to family...something I didn’t even choose.
and why I have to lose things because of it.

And yeah, I got betrayed by a best friend in disguise.
He knew exactly what I wanted. even after me saying I didn’t want a relationship. even after warning him that if we break up, I’ll lose both love and friendship...he still did what he did.
He was always planning his exit.
He knew how it would end.
He did everything knowing it would hurt me.

After waiting all these years to love someone, I still feel like I made a wrong decision.
And you know what? Even after all this, I can’t hate him.
I can’t help but be grateful for a few things. He showed me what love feels like. What friendship feels like.
And now, he also showed me what heartbreak feels like.

I don’t even feel like seeing his face. or talking to him.
I don’t know what my future looks like anymore.

I even added an engagement photo with him on my vision board this year.
wrote “god and universe, please make sure I’ll end up with him.”
On 11/11/22, at 11:11...that’s when I accepted his love.
That’s how badly I wanted him.

But the last time we spoke, he was talking about family prestige and future generations getting affected and all that shit.

The girl his family found has a great background and dowry...so yeah, that’ll “help him settle.” And you know what he said..."Your family might not be important to you, but my family is important to me."

That’s when I realized the guy who said he loved me and the guy who said those words are not the same person.
He’s a coward. He simply ran away when things got real.
I still believe I’m a woman who deserves wars...he just didn’t know my worth.

And yeah, I guess the universe and god had nothing better to pull on me.

today is diwali.
I had 4 days off and didn’t even go home.
I’m just sitting in the hostel, writing this shit and crying.
That’s how I’m living.

And you know what’s next...my job contract ends in April.
So yeah, I have to find a job now.

I’ve spent so much of my life with him. We shared so many firsts, and I don’t regret a single one. I loved him like crazy, with a kind of love that was all-in, no half measures. I prayed for us, I asked the universe for clarity, and I think I’ve been given my answer.

And still, I don’t feel bitterness. I feel gratitude. Because I got to love deeply, to give everything, and to know what it means to care enough… even enough to let go.

This isn’t the end of love in my life, it’s proof of how much love I can hold, and how much I can give.

                                                                                                            - Mystery Girl