Mystery Girl's Diaries

This post is me ranting about my own shit...please let me get the hell out of me. I am sick of all the unnecessary drama that I do, all the unnecessary thoughts I have, and all the unnecessary help or things that I do to others that they don't even appreciate, or at least it doesn't help me in any way. From all the unnecessary attachments to all the unnecessary arguments that I do and all the unnecessary overreactions I give... I need to get a hold of myself. Well I am not doing that free suggestion thing out of concern or sympathy, empathy, or whatever coz I am done being wronged or not appreciated, and it doesn't help me, maybe I do such things as a humanity part inside me wants but not from now, you die, I watch you die. And of course, I am the most dramatic, selfish, self-centered, narcissistic , and hypocrite you ever meet, and I have to change but I don't want to be nice to people either let me be whatever I need. it is maybe because of the unnecessary attachments...

24 - JUL-2021 This is from drafts I don't even remember which book I was reading and what I was talking about... maybe it was while I was reading "the monk who sold his Ferrari".  As I mentioned in the earlier post....the book I am reading has a lot to say about life and purpose... I don't know if I am in a need to find my interest or if I want to find it but badly want to have clarity. You can't even imagine how many times I question myself if having so many interests is wrong/bad? of course not...not being able to fulfill anything or do anything about them is bad..that hits and hurts differently. Maybe I am living in a fear bubble, what if I live my entire life like this not being able to find and fulfill it. that will be useless and I don't want that and enough thinking I have to put some effort. I can't imagine how badly I am going to regret it if I do not do anything rn. haha it's funny if I read the above thing now, coz I am still the same, still...

 Today and recently I am being and I was in a mood to say a few people "go fuck yourself" but no I tried to stay sane but again I remembered I was a human and I can feel things, I felt a bit Angry but again I remembered that I am tired being angry and as always I have been disappointed in people and yeah today is the day I have to blame myself for expecting the least that people could do and of course, I felt worst being surrounded by such kind of people coz I never do such thing to anyone and yeah I am okay now coz however people are always same, period! and this version of I don't give a damn me is facing such kinds of things a lot, it's okay, it feels like I am in an emotional level of the game going through shit and upgrading myself, I wish I could say thank you in their faces for making me learn something. am I cursed to have only to have such kind of people or is this happening in everyone's life, coz no matter how, no matter what, I am trying to stay positi...

 okay. sometimes, things don’t work out the way you thought they would. you are twelve. your teacher asks you about your goal in life. astronaut, you reply decisively and smile while glancing at your best friend. you are sixteen. that girl at your tuition makes your heart skip a beat. every time she smiles at you, your heart warms up with little bubbles of joy. all you could think of back then was how a happily-ever-after awaited you. good grades, a well-paying job, and waking up next to the person you love. life was good. but that’s the thing about life – it hardly turns out the way you expect it to. you are in your twenties now. as you wake up every morning, the thought of getting through another day fills you with dread. you hate your job and you feel lost and disappointed with life. you often wonder how did it come to such a pass? but let me tell you that it is okay – to feel lost and sad. to not know what to do next and taking the time to figure it out. the good thing about li...

 I should mention this Youtuber channel called Praveen Mohan. He just blows my mind each and every time, His channel is the most interesting and informative one till now from what I have watched, the way he explains his theories just makes me question myself like yeahhh isn't it true, woww and every kind of exclamatory expression. he makes Indian history sound cool and of course interesting I know I believe in miracles but he makes me believe that those miracles really existed once, he makes Indian history interesting. I did watch so many documentaries this year trust me documentaries are legit interesting things to watch, if you watch a few conspiracies trust me you will also start believing that aliens do exist between us. there may be things called magic that really exist and there is so much running behind us, that we don't even have a single idea about ...some things make us feel like we are very little and minute parts of this huge world. I did even know that there are th...

  It's Holi today, it's been years since I had played Holi. I stopped playing Holi ever since I started dealing with people's colors. lol! I may have not celebrated a happy "HOLI" but I had a great and happy "HOLIDAY". I am not feeling that great for the past two days, I don't if it is PSM or the effect of my past depression. It's okay I had this great me time, it's peaceful and comfortable when I am alone, that shows how much I enjoy my own company, love every bit of it, I had a great nap and wrote a good post I guess?!. Today I was just happy looking at people's colored faces and wide smiles, they were enjoying. that reminded me of my childhood "holi" days, how I used to play hell and heaven out of colors and the funny part is those colors don't leave that easily, it stains the skin like hell. the roads in our colony would turn into colors, it used to be great and fun to be a kid in that time, all I can say is I had a grea...

Asking for help is scary for me. Asking for help is not easy for me. Asking for help makes me feel miserable,  weak, and helpless . Asking for help makes me feel like I am getting too dependent on people. What if I get used to asking for help. Isn't asking for help also a kind of attachment, where we rely on a person completely, what if a person lefts you behind, or what if the person who usually to helps you stops helping you. These are types of questions and thoughts that used to run in my head and may still run sometimes. I think the overthinking, That's how I used to be. Sometimes I feel like I just closed myself in a box for these many years with all my boundaries limits and all, I know it's the situations that made me the way I am, at least I am happy that I am changing, I may not completely change and I don't know if I can ever be able to ask for help freely, openly. I am happy that I am admitting it and trying to accept the fact the way I am, I feel proud of mys...

This post is a draft from 2020... I wasn't sure of this, coz it was really hard for me to let go of anything from me and my life. Finally, I am here writing this after two years.       This quote carries a deep meaning or maybe I just feel it that way, I don't know if everyone  feels that way after reading a quote or I just feel too much, I can't say it's too much, it's just how I feel. Letting go doesn't necessarily happen in love or when you date someone, it can be guilt, regret, or betrayal from friends, family, or anyone you know. yeah, I wasn't sure about letting go of anything from my life two years back, I was really a kid who knows nothing about reality, and someday life hit me with harsh reality and I learnt it a hard way to let go of something from my life. For a person letting go is not only about humans, I get attached to things, places, and emotions more than humans. I was obsessed with my thoughts, feelings, and especially things, well I am sti...

 

In today's episode of I don't give a damn phase...all I did was cry....haha, that's how I am, it doesn't mean I care about it, it means I was sick of it.  Ummm...just yesterday I said that I was happy, it's okay, that's how life is. I cried because I was observing the same pattern of things that are happening to me repeatedly and I am sick of it... I mean why always, I am a human, I do want to have people who are closest to me, and why can't they take it, why do they have to bitch about me even when I am minding my own business, they make me feel like there is no space for me to be myself or happy. I don't know what they expect from me. Yeah, I don't give a damn, but that doesn't mean I ignore everything which is about me every time it just breaks out in the form of tears, which are out of anger and I was really tired of the same shit every time. At this point, right now, I am disgusted by SOME people around me, and at the same time I am grateful...

  I love 9's and of course, I love the 9th day of every month. umm...Feb happened very quickly, but It was good, not worse at least, 2022 is being nice to me till now, I hope the whole year will be this nice and April is going to be full of celebrations, I have a few family functions and also I am getting older. it's going to be April again, I mean I didn't do anything, I am staying at home or hostel and getting old..aarrrgghhh, it's really annoying, I just want to manifest that this year going to be great. Oooh shit I forgot to mention, I thought I was ready to expose this blog to the public, actually, I was sure for that one day and made it almost public by mentioning it on my Instagram, but i felt like it's better to keep some things private, it's better this way people finding my blog randomly and reading it with out knowing who I am... umm...am I going to leave this blog like this? nope, maybe someday I'll be confident enough to make it public but defin...

 What does it mean to be "be you", actually I wrote a post called "be you" already right?! hmm... I'll still say the same thing that we become someone else in the process of living life, but what it is actually being ourselves is like, do we actually know ourselves?. I don't know if I am passing a statement or defining it correctly, but according to me, being ourselves is being comfortable about what we are and accepting ourselves the way we are... being ourselves is not what we are in the present,...I mean you'll be only comfortable when we accept our past selves and things we went through.  what I learned is you cannot be comfortable and you cannot be yourself if you cannot accept, what you were in the past and what you went through in the past, and of course, you have to let go, which is not at all easy.  I have this bad habit of not reading my posts after once I write them, maybe coz I am scared that I might cry, I just don't want to remind mysel...

Today is Maha Shivratri here, that rare day of the year where I woke up almost early and visit a temple, you know, I recently said I realized the importance of celebrating things, it may not be a celebration today, but a kind of special day....coz I believe in spirituality and today's night is powerful as they say...so I wish a healthy and happy life to all the people around me.