Mystery Girl's Diaries

It’s been months. Not just four months of trying, it feels like forever, honestly. I’ve been fighting, applying, hoping, breaking down, and forcing myself to get up again. And for what? Nothing seems to work out the way I planned. Nothing feels right. I moved to the city after fighting with my family, thinking maybe, just maybe... A change of place could bring a change in life. But here I am. Exhausted. Burned out. Hating every second of it. Staying at home was hell. Leaving home is a different kind of hell. And my relationship is a Hell I keep making decisions that seem smart at first and turn out to be stupid later. I keep pushing myself to apply for jobs, to stay strong, to keep moving forward because getting a job is important, it's not even a choice anymore, it’s survival. And yet, rejection after rejection was killing me. I don’t just feel tired. I feel ugly. I feel unwanted. I feel invisible. There is no place that feels like "home" to me right now. No corner where...

Some days, I open my inbox hoping for an interview call. Most days, I just see, “Thank you for applying, but…” and then I close it like nothing happened. But it did. Every rejection feels like a tiny punch. I’ve been applying to jobs non-stop. Clinical roles, data stuff, writing jobs anything that makes sense. And still… nothing works. It’s not like I’m sitting idle either. I’ve done courses, assessments, and all that. Still, I feel like I’m stuck in the same place. Sometimes, I doubt everything. Did I choose the wrong path? Am I too late? Is something wrong with me? Then other times, I remind myself.....No, I’m trying. I’m doing my part. It’s just... slow. It’s funny how people say, “Don’t give up.” Like okay, but what if I’m tired of not giving up? No one talks about how exhausting “not giving up” actually is. I’m tired. Mentally, emotionally, soul-level tired. No amount of sleep or motivational quotes is helping anymore. Being from a middle-class family, a stable job means more than...

Hmmm… yeah, tomorrow, I turn 24. A 5-years-younger me… I don’t know if she’d be proud of me. I know I went through a lot, but… she had more dreams. She thought by 24 she’d be settled in her career, and then by 24 or 25 she’d get married, and by 26 she’d have kids… After that, maybe open her own boutique or some creative venture where she’d be happy. But not a single thing went as she imagined. She went through so many things she never expected. And after knowing everything, maybe she would be proud. But I don’t know… I’m not where I wanted to be. I don’t think she will be happy. I don’t even know if I’m happy. Maybe… I’m just disappointed in myself. I don’t even have a job. I haven’t earned anything. I haven’t achieved anything I dreamed of. I expect a lot from myself… and maybe that’s why it hurts more. Maybe I’m just really disappointed. But still… I know what I want now—and what I deserve. (I wish.) Maybe… Adjusting is adulting. Learning that life doesn’t always go as pl...

So far, 2025 has been hard, maybe the hardest. Every past year was tough, but this one feels like it's draining the life out of me. I left my job with hope, and it hasn't even been three months, yet I already feel like a loser. I mean, sometimes I even feel  underconfident because it's been almost a year since I graduated, and then... These months feel like three different lifetimes. I went on a trip in January, which was cool...because it was Kanyakumari. And then, again... I lost my uncle...Something I never, ever expected to happen. And now, I'm going through a tough time in my relationship. I mean, why do I have to go through all of this? It's not like I'm sitting idle. I'm taking on-call shifts at a nearby hospital, thinking about a startup, and applying to hundreds of jobs. But still, I feel like a failure.  I know, I know...I’m not a failure. I’m much better than this. But every single year, life keeps testing my patience and tolerance. At times, I’ve...

Where should I begin describing this relationship? Friendship? Romance? Even if it's romance how should I put it into words, Fresh? Innocent? maybe I'm a coward trying to write this and re-live the moments where the fuck am I moving on.. It was intoxicating. It was dreamy It was addictive It was comforting It always felt like one argument away Should I think about how much pain he might be going through? Should I worry about my pain? This stupid fukn heart. I never knew I was this great lover..still worrying about a person who ruthlessly left me, like an option..haha..still in disbelief Where should I start missing him? What is the way he used to touch me, or how does his touch make me feel? How warm his voice used to sound or how he shut me down on every social media now? How safe and comfortable his hug made me feel or how helpless do I feel now? How he used to come back to me after every fight or how he left me for his family or for another girl that he didn't even like ...

One thing I realized about myself is that I only write when I'm in pain or when I'm sad or lonely or maybe when I'm just lost in thoughts... So for context, my mother has 4 siblings 2 brothers older than her and 2 younger than her, and 2nd old bother is the one who passed away. It was sudden, it was unexpected, like...no one could have imagined even he could have never imagined I guess, I'm still in disbelief that he passed away it's almost coming to be one month. His death made me question "Inthe na..life ante??"  Is that all? what is life? He was there and suddenly he vanished, no one... no single person was ready to accept his death, I mean how can anyone disappear like that.  We mourned. we tried to accept it, more than anything we were trying to come out of that shock because, as I said no one had ever expected it, He had spoken to my father on a video call just an hour before it happened., He went to the gym in the morning, came home for a tea break ...

I don’t know what the future holds, but I know this..no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much I wish things were different, I will always be grateful for you. You were the only person I let in, the one I trusted when I usually trusted no one. And that wasn’t easy for me. You made me feel safe, you made me believe and now I have to unlearn all of it. Do you know how cruel that is?, Pretending I don’t miss it? Even now, in this unbearable ache, I can’t erase what we had. Because it was real. It mattered. And that’s what makes this even harder. I don’t get to hate you. I don’t get to pretend you were just a lesson. You were my home. I won’t erase what we had. I won’t pretend it didn’t mean something.  I wish I could be angry. I wish I could walk away without looking back. But the truth is, I will always hold this part of my life in my heart, and I will hold it until I die. Even if it breaks me. Even if I have to carry it alone now. So, Thank you. Thank you for making me trust, ...