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To the one I once trusted…

I don’t know what the future holds, but I know this..no matter how much it hurts, no matter how much I wish things were different, I will always be grateful for you.

You were the only person I let in, the one I trusted when I usually trusted no one. And that wasn’t easy for me. You made me feel safe, you made me believe and now I have to unlearn all of it. Do you know how cruel that is?, Pretending I don’t miss it?

Even now, in this unbearable ache, I can’t erase what we had. Because it was real. It mattered. And that’s what makes this even harder. I don’t get to hate you. I don’t get to pretend you were just a lesson. You were my home.

I won’t erase what we had. I won’t pretend it didn’t mean something. 

I wish I could be angry. I wish I could walk away without looking back. But the truth is, I will always hold this part of my life in my heart, and I will hold it until I die. Even if it breaks me. Even if I have to carry it alone now.

So, Thank you.
Thank you for making me trust, even if you're the one who’s breaking it now.
Thank you for being there, even if you left.
Thank you for all the moments that made me feel like I was something more than just another person in your life.
Thank you for the moments that were real, even if they had to end. 

Thank you for being a part of my life, even if you are no longer in it. 

Even if, in the end, I was replaceable.

This isn’t just heartbreak. This is grief. I am mourning someone who is still alive. I am mourning a love that still exists but has nowhere to go. And I don’t know when it will stop hurting. I don’t know if it ever will.

And God? I hate Him for ending it like this. I hate Him for giving me something so beautiful only to take it away. And I hate that He lets other people have their happy endings. I am jealous of every couple that gets to hold on, of everyone who doesn’t have to grieve someone who is still alive.

It’s like I built a house with our past, present, and future with every sweet moment, every dream, every memory, and every promise. And now, all at once, it’s collapsing. My past, my present, my future everything is collapsing at the same time and I feel homeless.

But I do know that I chose this life. Pain and suffering have always been a constant in my life. Even if you came like a season of happiness, I am always pulled back to my base. 

Every time, I was sure I would get through things, but this time, I don’t know where I'm headed or where I would end up. And I don’t know if I will ever be able to stop feeling this pain.


                                                                                                           -Me

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