Mystery Girl's Diaries

Okay, here’s the thing......I think I have commitment issues.  And no, I’m not just talking about relationships.  It’s about opportunities, jobs, and basically anything that requires me to actually make a decision and stick with it. Right now, I’ve got an offer.....a good one. And I’m freaking out.  You’d think I’d be relieved or excited, but instead, I’m just... paralyzed. I keep asking myself: Am I being lazy? Am I just scared? Or is it some weird mix of both? It’s not like I’m not getting opportunities. I am. I get calls, but the moment they come through, my brain goes into overdrive. All I hear is, “What if it doesn’t work out? What if I end up hating it? What if I’m just setting myself up for disappointment again?” I think I’m so used to things not going as planned that I’ve developed this weird instinct to just... avoid. Maybe I’m just exhausted. Or maybe I’ve been burned one too many times, and now I’m too cautious for my own good. Either way, I can’t deny that the...

It’s been months. Not just four months of trying, it feels like forever, honestly. I’ve been fighting, applying, hoping, breaking down, and forcing myself to get up again. And for what? Nothing seems to work out the way I planned. Nothing feels right. I moved to the city after fighting with my family, thinking maybe, just maybe... A change of place could bring a change in life. But here I am. Exhausted. Burned out. Hating every second of it. Staying at home was hell. Leaving home is a different kind of hell. And my relationship is a Hell I keep making decisions that seem smart at first and turn out to be stupid later. I keep pushing myself to apply for jobs, to stay strong, to keep moving forward because getting a job is important, it's not even a choice anymore, it’s survival. And yet, rejection after rejection was killing me. I don’t just feel tired. I feel ugly. I feel unwanted. I feel invisible. There is no place that feels like "home" to me right now. No corner where...

Some days, I open my inbox hoping for an interview call. Most days, I just see, “Thank you for applying, but…” and then I close it like nothing happened. But it did. Every rejection feels like a tiny punch. I’ve been applying to jobs non-stop. Clinical roles, data stuff, writing jobs anything that makes sense. And still… nothing works. It’s not like I’m sitting idle either. I’ve done courses, assessments, and all that. Still, I feel like I’m stuck in the same place. Sometimes, I doubt everything. Did I choose the wrong path? Am I too late? Is something wrong with me? Then other times, I remind myself.....No, I’m trying. I’m doing my part. It’s just... slow. It’s funny how people say, “Don’t give up.” Like okay, but what if I’m tired of not giving up? No one talks about how exhausting “not giving up” actually is. I’m tired. Mentally, emotionally, soul-level tired. No amount of sleep or motivational quotes is helping anymore. Being from a middle-class family, a stable job means more than...

Hmmm… yeah, tomorrow, I turn 24. A 5-years-younger me… I don’t know if she’d be proud of me. I know I went through a lot, but… she had more dreams. She thought by 24 she’d be settled in her career, and then by 24 or 25 she’d get married, and by 26 she’d have kids… After that, maybe open her own boutique or some creative venture where she’d be happy. But not a single thing went as she imagined. She went through so many things she never expected. And after knowing everything, maybe she would be proud. But I don’t know… I’m not where I wanted to be. I don’t think she will be happy. I don’t even know if I’m happy. Maybe… I’m just disappointed in myself. I don’t even have a job. I haven’t earned anything. I haven’t achieved anything I dreamed of. I expect a lot from myself… and maybe that’s why it hurts more. Maybe I’m just really disappointed. But still… I know what I want now—and what I deserve. (I wish.) Maybe… Adjusting is adulting. Learning that life doesn’t always go as pl...

So far, 2025 has been hard, maybe the hardest. Every past year was tough, but this one feels like it's draining the life out of me. I left my job with hope, and it hasn't even been three months, yet I already feel like a loser. I mean, sometimes I even feel  underconfident because it's been almost a year since I graduated, and then... These months feel like three different lifetimes. I went on a trip in January, which was cool...because it was Kanyakumari. And then, again... I lost my uncle...Something I never, ever expected to happen. And now, I'm going through a tough time in my relationship. I mean, why do I have to go through all of this? It's not like I'm sitting idle. I'm taking on-call shifts at a nearby hospital, thinking about a startup, and applying to hundreds of jobs. But still, I feel like a failure.  I know, I know...I’m not a failure. I’m much better than this. But every single year, life keeps testing my patience and tolerance. At times, I’ve...

Where should I begin describing this relationship? Friendship? Romance? Even if it's romance how should I put it into words, Fresh? Innocent? maybe I'm a coward trying to write this and re-live the moments where the fuck am I moving on.. It was intoxicating. It was dreamy It was addictive It was comforting It always felt like one argument away Should I think about how much pain he might be going through? Should I worry about my pain? This stupid fukn heart. I never knew I was this great lover..still worrying about a person who ruthlessly left me, like an option..haha..still in disbelief Where should I start missing him? What is the way he used to touch me, or how does his touch make me feel? How warm his voice used to sound or how he shut me down on every social media now? How safe and comfortable his hug made me feel or how helpless do I feel now? How he used to come back to me after every fight or how he left me for his family or for another girl that he didn't even like ...