Love and Trust

I wrote a post saying Love VS Trust back on 10/Jul/22, and now I'm going to write on the same thing.

So recently I have joined therapy (like counseling psychologist therapy just to feel responsible for emotions and traumas and to process them, and also obviously I'm going through a heartbreak... yes, not breakup, but heartbreak).

So she asked me to think 2 sessions ago about...what love was for me before, and what it is now, and what it looks like in the future... I was like mmm that's something to think but I wasn't in my right head... soo.

And today is his engagement... I broke down like shit and cried ugly, and yeah, maybe writing here is my coping mechanism, but also I'm doing this for myself, so here we go..

LOVE

What was love for me before?

I thought I was incapable of loving someone and receiving love.. I really thought I didn't deserve to be loved at a very young age... but later at 18 or so.. it changed, I thought yeah.. I deserve love, but because I haven't received much love throughout my childhood or so... that's why "deserve love" is what my brain used to make me believe... then I became a woman I thought I bring so much thought, so much life to people's lives I think I should be loved for what I am.. and then I was loved and I thought it was real and boom I fell in love.

What is love for me now?

I had my first, hopefully last, heartbreak at 24 years... you know I avoided relationships most part of my life because I was scared of the pain that it can cause and I thought people would be mature in their later 20's so I thought it will be serious enough to not have fun fling kind of stuff... but boom everything I thought was wrong... age doesn’t matter to take someone seriously or to be serious enough in life and... what is love for me now? In this present moment? LOVE IS PAIN.

What is the love I look forward to in the future?

Love is a choice

Love is a decision, love is commitment

A safe, comfortable, and secure place, and choosing me no matter what, whether it be me choosing myself or another person choosing me.. 

I don't want to be constantly stressed about when this person will leave me, or feel bad for how worthless that person is going to make me feel.

Ummm now TRUST

I won’t elaborate much on trust, the post is getting too long to read.

I thought time builds trust. Maybe it will build trust, but it doesn’t matter to the opposite person to break it too... he was my best friend for 5 years, that was a huge part for giving him a chance for a relationship, and we were in a 3-year relationship too.. We almost lived together, but that person always planned his exit in his mind. He knew his parents won’t agree still did hurt me, and today he will be smiling and posing for the pictures, and I'm going to the temple, attending therapy, crying, writing.... so where did that trust go? If time builds the trust, it can also break it... 

trust depends on the person.. when you trust someone they have the power to break it and hurt you or keep it safe... and mostly in this generation trusting is hard and for me trusting has always been hard but this time I learnt that time doesn’t matter to build trust on someone, it’s a choice just like love to choose someone to trust and love and to not break it.

And with therapy, I'm also realizing that...how much I ignore my own needs that I should be giving myself instead of expecting such things from others, and when the other person chooses to break your trust, it’s never on us, it’s on them.. It’s their choice.. we don’t have control over it.. so yeah... I still believe in karma and spirituality, so... hurting a person for your selfish reasons doesn’t bring anyone anything good... and time heals everything, and we will move on.

I'm still a hopeful person as always, and I'll get through this, I just don’t want to become someone else in this process.. I still want to be hopeful, joyful, full of expectations on life, innocent, and real, and yeah, I still believe I'm meant for bigger things in life.

                                                                                                                    - Mystery Girl