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My world is falling apart

I find it amusing that I write these posts either when I am full of emotions or after moving on from those emotions.. most of the time I start typing aggressively at that moment, then draft it. When I sit and read after getting settled... I read it with a completely different mindset.

like this post...I titled it on the 7th but today is the 9th...yeah so much has been happening and so much has happened this year and I want to write each and every detail of those emotions... I'll do it in parts but yeah...first the context and the main point!

I heard a quote that says when you love beyond yourself self only then do you know completely about yourself. I experienced that this year...and yeah I should write a completely different post on my relationship...more details on that but for now...I have struggled so much in this relationship but yeah I'm learning about myself and how a relationship works and all....grateful that I got to know about myself..

and when I said my world was falling apart...it really felt like it did...like in every aspect...in every way...like it kept getting worse day after day..and my mental health hit rock bottom this year in these past few months...I really tried my best to get up and show up... but I saw the worst...my friendships kept getting worse..my relationship was a bit stressful or maybe a lot, then a bit of academic stress, and then my weakest mental health was not at all supporting me and in between all this, living in a room all alone on by my own...was really something else only...

living on your own really teaches you a lot...and yeah I will write a post again about this but..let me say living alone made me face myself..I really met this another me....like I was able to see myself more clearly and very closely..

the way I am..the way my scars and my traumas showed up... I am really a different person...

this year felt like.. I was living with a pile of stones on my head and I was trying to balance it making sure everything stayed on my head..

When I said worst..it included...that I had suicidal thoughts at a point..then there were days when I wasn't able to control myself to stop crying, I wasn't able to stop thinking...I had meltdowns even in my classrooms luckily no one paid much attention...

and I asked for help...but didn't get help. even my friends weren't helpful and they were busy judging and acting weird about my behavior I guess..maybe they were a reason for that worsening..yeah facts..I'm not blaming.

I don't know I didn't feel that energy to fake myself...it was not even about faking... I was in survival mode...I wish I could show people who judge me, who get awkward with my pain and the way I suffer...

but you know...I woke up...I showed up to events, and I showed up to college...I made food for myself, and I cleaned dishes and clothes these are the things I'm really proud of because it was that hard for me to do even the smallest thing.

I judged myself, and I gave myself so much negative self-talk, I blamed myself and I felt alone for the first time ever... I thought it might be my depression relapsing, I thought maybe I was bipolar...ohh god what not?!....it was a full package of the worst season.

but now as I look back...I was so hard on myself...and finally, I want to take that baggage of things off my head ... I know that might not happen in a day...but eventually...accepting people, situations, and past for what they are and hope that I would be able to live happily without being affected by my surrounding some day. learning and growing every day... I was stupid to get affected by people who don't even know what they are and I wish I could make them live alone like me ask them to stay sane..like try no?..and then you should judge and behave.

 and it was stupid of me to expect help from outside than me...,.coz you know everything is temporary..I should love myself enough and it is me who is going to be there for me.

Everything happens for a reason and grateful for everything I get to experience..and its only a few more months of college. I will be out of this hell and have some new kinds of problems.

                                                                                                        -MysteryGirl


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