LOST

 

I was feeling veryy low and I was making up this post in my head and I was thinking about writing it then boom this writer on Instagram..I don't know how??/ just how ..he writes relatable posts with my real-life situations...I relate to his posts almost 70%... whenever I'm feeling low or facing a situation his posts just pop up in front of me. I've been following him since forever.

Then, I open this blog and read his comment- rapid physica--this is a big shout-out to you from me...THANK YOU for being this consistent, even when I was not...I know very very few people read my blog...I don't know if my posts or my nonsense are worth your time...but feel soo grateful...you don't know how much your comments mean to me..especially on days like this(today)...there are times when I beg my boyfriend to read but, he is not much into reading..it kind of sad but yeah..it feels nice to know that people like you exists and does support irrespective of who I am..like even after not knowing me at all, you know me. THANK YOU and virtual hugs from far away.

coming to the post.

I FEEL LOST..not lost in thoughts kind of lost...I feel failed and kind of lost.

 when I look back I feel I ended up where I started...it is not like I have started a start-up and invested so much then lost everything (irony it's exactly the same as what happened to me).

I invested and I feel LOST right now...I never failed any exam in my life till now but.. I feel like I failed at life..life-1,me-0

I was soo stubborn, I am, I am even now but I don't think this society and these people who find themselves happy by faking their smiles will ever let you survive..they can't be real and honest with and.... and they also make your life hard to live.

you know there is a post that I wrote.. that says nothing is permanent, everything is temporary...a small incident happened today..I fought so much with my friends who act like my friends (I'm kind of ashamed of myself that I had to ASK them to do such things) about -defend me, protect me...they do all the things that hurt you and then expect you to be happy...I'm sick and I'm really really tired of fighting for love, honesty, realness, friendships, and everything.

and now when I sit back and start thinking about my life and me...it has always been a problem with me for people...coz..I can't small talk, I can't fake (even a smile), I can't gossip about anything that isn't related to me.

that's so energy-draining for me...I can't do that no matter how much I try.

my problem is, will I be able to survive like this in this world..do I have to force myself to fake?..will I be okay? will I be able to love myself then?

I thought I was strong enough to fight this fake world but I feel weaker now, I feel I'm lost, and where people, where your own friends start blaming you, Instead of standing for you, they show all their double standards and tell you that they have no issue with supporting you, seriously?

I feel really numb and blank... It's like my life shattered... no matter how honest, loyal, or how much longer it was,...no matter what friendship, relationship what eeevverrr... It's all temporary...it was stupid of me to invest all my heart into such things.

I just feel empty...but I know I will find my way out of it..and even if I'm not... I'll be able to survive alone..this is my way of living...I'm not a person who changes for people's convenience.

I'm hurt and I'm affected by people's doings no matter how cool I act or no matter how much I try to be not affected by people..coz deep down only I know what I did and what I didn't... I can't beg people to understand me, be nice to me, and fight for me..those who want, will do.

I feel and there was a time where I felt betrayed, played, and stupid because of the same people whom I called and thought friends.

after putting it out here I'm not feeling that bad actually...Maybe I was selfish, maybe I was rude, maybe I was everything (or only thing )that they could bit*h about, maybe I was not a great friend, maybe I was not a great girlfriend, but whatever I was, was REAL.

I don't if all these are worth changing myself to be something that I'm not.

maybe I'm wrong and the whole world is right maybe I should start faking, maybe then, people will be happy and feel proud to have me in their lives...seriously?? Is this me who is thinking all of this....(OMG I'm actually being affected by PEOPLE..shit I really really need to come out of this very quickly, I hate myself for this).

I hope I figure it out and I'm manifesting people who genuinely want me in their life just because they love me and understand me 🧘🏻‍♀️ and I hope they are as honest and want me as much as I want them.

                                                                                                                -Mystery girl