Mystery Girl's Diaries

 This April 2022 was everything that I needed.  It was the best month I ever had in the past covid years, my birthday was great, I went on a small trip with friends and there were two family functions and April was filled with so much socializing. phew... I had a great time, it was beautiful, everything that happened to me this month. That trip, I don't even know if I can call it a trip, we actually went to visit a friend's house, it was one night 2 days kind of trip, not even 2 days one and a half, whatever, everything feels great with friends, again, I don't even know if I can call them friends, kind of friends more like classmates..not all of them but some. Coming to my family functions, I am the kind of person who never attended any events in the family, I attend very important events which are closest family functions and marriages, and this time 2 events happened in this month, of course, it was so much socializing for me. Anddd i was lucky enough to win in the thambo...

 Hmm..let me take a deep breath... It's my birthday again... I was twenty last year and it felt like 2-3 months passed and boom my birthday again...I am excited and scared af. You know the reason. I know I didn't do anything great this year...but I feel like I have changed a bit... the way I am dealing with things has changed, of course, I am proud of myself for so many things.  And I was doing a few things and telling myself maybe this is adulthood isn't. It's Been two complete months I have not been home and I am not homesick, I am. Homesick but it doesn't mean I want to go home huhh adulthood. Happy twenties to me, I wish myself the best and be a better person, don't mind what people do or talk about you and it's time for the growth 📈 of quality of life, let's spend time wisely and I try my best to not cry over silly things and of course....tours and trips l..girl just manifests it...I am going on so many trips this year that's it. Well! I wanted...

"Be careful who you vent with coz vents go in other rooms" this is the quote that I read somewhere. and my thoughts went like... We, humans, are emotional creatures we feel anger, sadness, loss, and all...people need people, and people need to vent with others... that's the way of surviving lives. but the thing is people just don't leave it where they hear they carry it with them to the people they shouldn't. leave behind that trust etc...as I said we humans are emotional sometimes irrespective of the person and situation we just vent everything, in that kind of a situation, we/you as a human need to do is just hear, that's it why just bad mouth anything about it. and people just get creative and creative and turn the actual matter into something else for their convenience and at the cost of a person's emotion, reputation, and trust... what is that behavior called some give it a name people, it just disgusts me. why people are so interested in bad-mouthing...

 First of all, happy hostel ugaadhi to me, without ugaadhi pachhadi and all. Then..yes! it's again that time of the year, I am scared of, it's my birthday month and this gerascophobia is something else only, it is really scary to get old, I don't how people are happy, maybe at some point you have to accept, but getting old simply sitting at home and having a same daily routine is scary, I am not doing anything different or great, I am just getting old...simply🤷‍♀️. It's not that I am not enjoying my life, I can say I am definitely having the best out of my life, but still getting old is a little bit unacceptable for me. Maybe my future self will laugh reading this but now let me feel this fear and I would really like to talk to someone who is old, I want to have an authentic conversation to break all these questions in my head...huh! whatever, I am turning 21 this year still the same procrastinating me, still didn't even travelled anywhere... it's okay, it'...

This post is me ranting about my own shit...please let me get the hell out of me. I am sick of all the unnecessary drama that I do, all the unnecessary thoughts I have, and all the unnecessary help or things that I do to others that they don't even appreciate, or at least it doesn't help me in any way. From all the unnecessary attachments to all the unnecessary arguments that I do and all the unnecessary overreactions I give... I need to get a hold of myself. Well I am not doing that free suggestion thing out of concern or sympathy, empathy, or whatever coz I am done being wronged or not appreciated, and it doesn't help me, maybe I do such things as a humanity part inside me wants but not from now, you die, I watch you die. And of course, I am the most dramatic, selfish, self-centered, narcissistic , and hypocrite you ever meet, and I have to change but I don't want to be nice to people either let me be whatever I need. it is maybe because of the unnecessary attachments...

24 - JUL-2021 This is from drafts I don't even remember which book I was reading and what I was talking about... maybe it was while I was reading "the monk who sold his Ferrari".  As I mentioned in the earlier post....the book I am reading has a lot to say about life and purpose... I don't know if I am in a need to find my interest or if I want to find it but badly want to have clarity. You can't even imagine how many times I question myself if having so many interests is wrong/bad? of course not...not being able to fulfill anything or do anything about them is bad..that hits and hurts differently. Maybe I am living in a fear bubble, what if I live my entire life like this not being able to find and fulfill it. that will be useless and I don't want that and enough thinking I have to put some effort. I can't imagine how badly I am going to regret it if I do not do anything rn. haha it's funny if I read the above thing now, coz I am still the same, still...

 Today and recently I am being and I was in a mood to say a few people "go fuck yourself" but no I tried to stay sane but again I remembered I was a human and I can feel things, I felt a bit Angry but again I remembered that I am tired being angry and as always I have been disappointed in people and yeah today is the day I have to blame myself for expecting the least that people could do and of course, I felt worst being surrounded by such kind of people coz I never do such thing to anyone and yeah I am okay now coz however people are always same, period! and this version of I don't give a damn me is facing such kinds of things a lot, it's okay, it feels like I am in an emotional level of the game going through shit and upgrading myself, I wish I could say thank you in their faces for making me learn something. am I cursed to have only to have such kind of people or is this happening in everyone's life, coz no matter how, no matter what, I am trying to stay positi...