Mystery Girl's Diaries

This post is me ranting about my own shit...please let me get the hell out of me. I am sick of all the unnecessary drama that I do, all the unnecessary thoughts I have, and all the unnecessary help or things that I do to others that they don't even appreciate, or at least it doesn't help me in any way. From all the unnecessary attachments to all the unnecessary arguments that I do and all the unnecessary overreactions I give... I need to get a hold of myself. Well I am not doing that free suggestion thing out of concern or sympathy, empathy, or whatever coz I am done being wronged or not appreciated, and it doesn't help me, maybe I do such things as a humanity part inside me wants but not from now, you die, I watch you die. And of course, I am the most dramatic, selfish, self-centered, narcissistic , and hypocrite you ever meet, and I have to change but I don't want to be nice to people either let me be whatever I need. it is maybe because of the unnecessary attachments...

24 - JUL-2021 This is from drafts I don't even remember which book I was reading and what I was talking about... maybe it was while I was reading "the monk who sold his Ferrari".  As I mentioned in the earlier post....the book I am reading has a lot to say about life and purpose... I don't know if I am in a need to find my interest or if I want to find it but badly want to have clarity. You can't even imagine how many times I question myself if having so many interests is wrong/bad? of course not...not being able to fulfill anything or do anything about them is bad..that hits and hurts differently. Maybe I am living in a fear bubble, what if I live my entire life like this not being able to find and fulfill it. that will be useless and I don't want that and enough thinking I have to put some effort. I can't imagine how badly I am going to regret it if I do not do anything rn. haha it's funny if I read the above thing now, coz I am still the same, still...

 Today and recently I am being and I was in a mood to say a few people "go fuck yourself" but no I tried to stay sane but again I remembered I was a human and I can feel things, I felt a bit Angry but again I remembered that I am tired being angry and as always I have been disappointed in people and yeah today is the day I have to blame myself for expecting the least that people could do and of course, I felt worst being surrounded by such kind of people coz I never do such thing to anyone and yeah I am okay now coz however people are always same, period! and this version of I don't give a damn me is facing such kinds of things a lot, it's okay, it feels like I am in an emotional level of the game going through shit and upgrading myself, I wish I could say thank you in their faces for making me learn something. am I cursed to have only to have such kind of people or is this happening in everyone's life, coz no matter how, no matter what, I am trying to stay positi...

 okay. sometimes, things don’t work out the way you thought they would. you are twelve. your teacher asks you about your goal in life. astronaut, you reply decisively and smile while glancing at your best friend. you are sixteen. that girl at your tuition makes your heart skip a beat. every time she smiles at you, your heart warms up with little bubbles of joy. all you could think of back then was how a happily-ever-after awaited you. good grades, a well-paying job, and waking up next to the person you love. life was good. but that’s the thing about life – it hardly turns out the way you expect it to. you are in your twenties now. as you wake up every morning, the thought of getting through another day fills you with dread. you hate your job and you feel lost and disappointed with life. you often wonder how did it come to such a pass? but let me tell you that it is okay – to feel lost and sad. to not know what to do next and taking the time to figure it out. the good thing about li...

 I should mention this Youtuber channel called Praveen Mohan. He just blows my mind each and every time, His channel is the most interesting and informative one till now from what I have watched, the way he explains his theories just makes me question myself like yeahhh isn't it true, woww and every kind of exclamatory expression. he makes Indian history sound cool and of course interesting I know I believe in miracles but he makes me believe that those miracles really existed once, he makes Indian history interesting. I did watch so many documentaries this year trust me documentaries are legit interesting things to watch, if you watch a few conspiracies trust me you will also start believing that aliens do exist between us. there may be things called magic that really exist and there is so much running behind us, that we don't even have a single idea about ...some things make us feel like we are very little and minute parts of this huge world. I did even know that there are th...

  It's Holi today, it's been years since I had played Holi. I stopped playing Holi ever since I started dealing with people's colors. lol! I may have not celebrated a happy "HOLI" but I had a great and happy "HOLIDAY". I am not feeling that great for the past two days, I don't if it is PSM or the effect of my past depression. It's okay I had this great me time, it's peaceful and comfortable when I am alone, that shows how much I enjoy my own company, love every bit of it, I had a great nap and wrote a good post I guess?!. Today I was just happy looking at people's colored faces and wide smiles, they were enjoying. that reminded me of my childhood "holi" days, how I used to play hell and heaven out of colors and the funny part is those colors don't leave that easily, it stains the skin like hell. the roads in our colony would turn into colors, it used to be great and fun to be a kid in that time, all I can say is I had a grea...

Asking for help is scary for me. Asking for help is not easy for me. Asking for help makes me feel miserable,  weak, and helpless . Asking for help makes me feel like I am getting too dependent on people. What if I get used to asking for help. Isn't asking for help also a kind of attachment, where we rely on a person completely, what if a person lefts you behind, or what if the person who usually to helps you stops helping you. These are types of questions and thoughts that used to run in my head and may still run sometimes. I think the overthinking, That's how I used to be. Sometimes I feel like I just closed myself in a box for these many years with all my boundaries limits and all, I know it's the situations that made me the way I am, at least I am happy that I am changing, I may not completely change and I don't know if I can ever be able to ask for help freely, openly. I am happy that I am admitting it and trying to accept the fact the way I am, I feel proud of mys...